My kind of airline is South African’s Kulula Airways, a low cost carrier with a brilliant sense of humour. Their ‘Flying 101′ livery points out the important bits on an aircraft like the front door (this door is always open… unless we’re at 41,000 feet), landing gear (comes standard with supa-fly mags), the co-captain seat (the other pilot on the PA system) and the back door (no bribery or corruption here).
The live impromptu in-flight announcements where Kulua's staff joke around, are the best. Here's one of them:
"And um, before we go anywhere, we’d like to ask you for a few minutes of your attention while our cabins crew’s gonna do the safety demonstration. I have the privilege of working with three fantastic crew and they are gonna give you Gangham style. Now um, folks, please bear in mind, this is in a humorous fashion but safety is a number one priority. Now starting off we are going to introduce ourselves to you. The lady standing in the front side of the cabin there, her name is Neo. In the middle of the cabin we have Ntombi and further back we’ve got Angelo. And myself, right in the back side here, my name is Rajesh. My surname is Gupta. No just kidding folks, it’s Adriano. Now if you don’t know the passenger next to you, introduce yourself to them quickly. You never know you might get lucky in Jozi on a Thursday. But on a more serious note, just be friends. For take off and touchdown your tray tables will need to be folded away, seat in the most uncomfortable upright position, window blinds open and those seatbelts fastened tight around those gorgeous hips. For our first time travellers and blondes, adjust it and release it. Once the seatbelt signs have been placed on please return to your seats and ensure that they are fastened. Now for the nosy folks you don’t already know, a safety features card in the seat pocket in front of you is not the menu but it really shows you great tips and escape routes, oxygen masks as well as flotation devices and the most appropriate brace position that you’d adopt in case of an emergency landing. This is when we all bend over and kiss our asses goodbye. Now if you’re on board with your lover, gentlemen, and you’ve just spotted your scampi sitting a few rows away from ya, you’d be pleased to know that there are 8 emergency exits doors on this aircraft and the crews doing to point them out to you now. There are two doors upfront, four overwing exits, and two doors right at the back folks. Please ensure that you do know which exit is closest to you bearing in mind that it could be behind you. These exits are marked by clear overhead exit covers as well as floor level lighting along the aisle, disco style. Ja, Kulula travellers, in the very unlikely event of a loss of cabin pressure, oxygen is going to be provided. Ja she’s going to drop from the service carousel above your head, on the left as well as the right hand side. Once the mask is dropping, whooo, you grab it and pull it down with a slight yank, and cover your nose and mouth and you breathe normally. I am going to ask all those passengers that are travelling with kids to put your own mask on before assisting with your child’s. Alright, no problem. Awe, Kulula travellers, Gatipi here from Mitchell’s Plein, hoesit. You guys shouldn’t have to have a water landing on the way from Cape Town to Joburg . Designer Gucci lifejackets are beneath your seat hey. On instruction from the crew you grab it and pull it over your heads. Fasten the tape tightly around your waist and watch your partner’s neck as you may survive the landing. Once you’re ready to leave you pull down on this red thing here, it’s going to give you the new Wonderbra look. If your boat don’t float there’s a manual inflation tube, I suggest you start pomping, as well as a light to keep you in contact or to shine in the shark’s eye and not the Blue Bull’s. We’re going to ask all those passenger’s who can swim to assemble to the left hand side of the aircraft, for those of you who cannot swim, thank you for flying Kulula.com. Now folks this is like a non complaining, non smoking and non whining flight bru and our toilets are monitored with smoke detectors as well as hidden cameras for the captain’s inflight entertainment so we are going to ask all the ladies to use the toilets in the front, except for Taryn. Now folks, if you’re travelling with your kiddies, please ensure they are well behaved, if not, we are going to ask them to play outside. There are three toilets onboard, one upfront, two at the back, if you’ve got a problem finding them, follow your nose. Boeing 737-800, it also has poep detectors, the poep detector is the passenger seated next to you, so if you smell anything unfamiliar identify to the crew please. Blackberries, Blueberries, Nokias, Ericssons, Samsungs, iPhone, iPods, iPads, iTunes, iTouch, iKona, you’re welcome to use them during the cruise, please turn off for takeoff and landing, thanks. You’ve got a two hour journey with us to Joburg and if you have met the passenger seated next to you, guys, this is a family aircraft. Thanks very much for your attention folks, enjoy the Kulula experience, thank you. I’d like to take the opportunity just to thank my mom and my dad and my sponsors. Thank you ladies and gentlemen. Folks, if you’d like to catch the full video of this you’re welcome to do so, visit on Youtube, you’ll find it under Kulula with Adriano. Thank you."
"You know Kulula have the best looking cabin crew in South Africa, but due to rostering problems none of them are on board with us. At the front we have the boss Kate, in the middle of the cabin we have another boss Anita, further back we have another boss Abigail, and my poor self Adriano. Since you know who we are, if you don't know the passenger next to you, quickly introduce yourself them...This is a one-size-fit-all life jacket you find under your seat. On instruction from the crew pull it over your head. Once you're ready to leave the aircraft you pull down on these red thingies, and it'll give you the wonderbra look. If your boat don't float there's a manual inflation tube for you to start pomping. We're going to ask those passengers who can swim to assemble on the left side of the aircraft, for those who can't....thank you for flying Kulula.com. Our toilets are fitted with smoke detectors, as well as video cameras for the captain's inflight entertainment. If you have a problem with locating it, please follow your nose."
Kulula caters for all sorts of people! So, next time you fly, forget about Malaysian, choose Kulula, where the worst thing that could happen to you is that you die laughing!
