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Sunday, August 16, 2026

For Who The Bell Tolls

 

You find the missing 'm' in Chapter 3

 

Last week was International Apostrophe Day which reminded me of my membership with the Apostrophe Protection Society and its founder, David Marsh, at the time copy editor of the Guardian newspaper.

His article "Capital letters out, swearwords in: one journalist's legacy" made me clamour to find some more. And find some more I did: here and here and here and here. It made me think, "There must be a book in there somewhere!" - and then I found it: "For Who The Bell Tolls". What a delightful book to read by the fireside on a rained-out day like today!

Of course, I could read the online copy, but I am a book addict and also an addicted grammarian who needs to possess the book, to hold it in his hands, to smell the paper, to turn the pages ... And so, even though I already have a wall full of books on linguistics, grammar, etymology, the printing of books - in short, anything to do with words - I lashed out another $11.98 to buy an as-good-as-new hardcover copy on ebay.

 

 

It will be posted from West Sussex in the United Kingdom, with an expected delivery between Thu, 27 August and Tue, 8 September. As they say, looking forward to things is half the pleasure of them.

 


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Saturday, August 15, 2026

Happy International Apostrophe Day

 

 

Today, 15 August, is International Apostrophe Day – a day on which everyone is invited to spare a thought for one of the smallest, hardest-working and most frequently misunderstood punctuation marks in the English language.

2026 also marks the 25th anniversary of the Apostrophe Protection Society, of which I am a proud member. The APS was founded in 2001 by the late journalist and sub-editor John Richards, who had become increasingly concerned about the misuse, and sometimes complete disappearance, of the apostrophe. What began as one man's campaign soon attracted interest and support from around the world.

Of course, we couldn't celebrate International Apostrophe Day without mentioning the most popular part of APS's website: the Rogues' Gallery.

 


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P.S. There also ought to be an Oxford Comma Appreciation Society but, unfortunately, it hasn't got any further than selling overpriced t-shirts - click here. Mind you, that's a lot less than the thirteen million dollars a missing Oxford comma cost an American dairy company - click here. For other grammatical hurdles, I keep this fine range of corrective crockery:

(Unfortunately, there are all left-handed mugs and I'm right-handed.)

 

"What can I getcha, Hun?"

 

Graduation certificate at the end of my articled years, still in my 'umlaut'-ted name

 

Coming to Australia cost me only fifty quid. Becoming an Australian cost me an 'n' and an umlaut, from Görmann to Goerman. Having added an 'e' behind the 'o' preserved the 'ö'-umlaut (changed sound), at least to a German speaker.

A friend suggested that it would've been better had I turned myself into an English 'Gorman', maybe even into an Irish 'O'Gorman', but that would've turned me into an Irish joke with a thick German accent.

More than sixty years later, the thickness that once was in my accent has moved down to my waist, but occasionally I still speak the old mother tongue, which then makes me reflect on the evolution of the German umlaut, which is an interesting story in its own right.

 

German handwriting in lower and upper case 'Fraktur'

 

The two dots over German vowels (ä, ö, ü) didn't start as dots. They are the typographic ghosts of a tiny letter left behind by medieval scribes. To understand it, one must also understand German 'Fraktur', a type of German handwriting which was still the official script during the Third Reich, which my parents used, and which I was still taught at school.

 

"Gesunde Eltern, gesunde Kinder" (Healthy parents, healthy children)
This Third Reich poster promotes the "Law for the Prevention of Hereditarily Diseased Offspring" of July 14, 1933, by presenting an idealised, radiant, and healthy German family with four children. The law stipulated that individuals with hereditary diseases could be sterilised, even against their will; the text of the law explicitly permitted the use of "direct coercion" to this end. The only offspring desired were those considered "healthy" and of "pure stock" according to National Socialist ideology.

 

Before umlauts existed, ancient Germanic languages used a suffix containing an "i" or a "j" to make words plural or change a verb's tense. For example, the Old High German word for guest was Gast, and its plural was Gasti.

Saying "Gasti" requires your mouth to start open in the back for the "a," then snap to the front for the "i." Speakers naturally started anticipating the front vowel while still saying the back vowel. This phonetic shortcut pulled the "a" forward in the mouth, creating an intermediate "ä" sound. Gasti began sounding like gästi. Linguists call this process i-mutation, or i-umlaut.

Over hundreds of years, unstressed word endings weakened into a neutral "e" or disappeared entirely. Gästi became the modern German Gäste. With the ending altered, the vowel change was left doing all the grammatical lifting. The mutated vowel was no longer just a lazy pronunciation habit; it was the only thing distinguishing singular from plural (Maus vs. Mäuse, Apfel vs. Äpfel).

When writing down Middle High German, those early scribes needed a way to show that a vowel had been mutated. They started by adding an "e" after the affected vowel (ae, oe, ue). To save space on expensive parchment, they eventually began writing a microscopic "e" (in 'Fraktur', of course) directly above the a, o, and u (see centre of example below).

 

schoen - schoͤn - schön (the German word for 'nice')
This is a 'schönes' example of the typographic evolution of the umlaut from a small, superscript 'e' to the modern two dots.

 

In medieval German handwriting scripts like Fraktur, the lowercase "e" consisted of two short vertical strokes. As handwriting sped up and typefaces modernised, those two little vertical slashes eroded into two simple dots.

Because the dots are technically a superimposed "e," German crosswords and official documents still treat ä, ö, and ü as "ae," "oe," and "ue." If a German keyboard isn't available, typing the "e" next to the vowel remains the officially accepted substitute — reverting the spelling back to exactly how scribes wrote it a thousand years ago. So perhaps I didn't anglicise my name after all; I simply went back a thousand years.

 

 

But perhaps I shouldn't have bothered at all, because every time I walk into a restaurant these days, I am still recognised for who I really am!

 


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P.S. I have sent this blog to friends in Germany who are now too busy learning Arabic to bother about the evolution of their own language. As has been so often attributed to Muammar Gaddafi, "We don't need bullets, we just outbreed them"; mistakenly so, because it's actually a misattribution of a famous quote by former Algerian President Houari Boumediene, who stated at the UN in 1974 that victory would come from "the wombs of our women". There is an urban myth that one Muslim family in Germany has so many children that it has its own school bus. Maybe it's the same bus that stopped so its driver could carry out his Islamic prayers - click here. Well, at least HE is working!

 

Friday, August 7, 2026

I was the Dennis Denuto of the computing world

 

 

Watching this part of "The Castle", I was reminded of my own foray into self-employment when I ran Canberra Computer Accounting Systems from what was at first one and then two spare bedrooms in my house.

Dennis Denuto might be Australia's most famous legal figure, but a certain Queensland solicitor argued that being compared to the famed suburban solicitor from the 1997 film implied he was unprofessional, foolish and incompetent, and launched a $250,000 defamation case, only for the courts to dismiss the vibe of his argument.

I would have been proud to be called the Dennis Denuto of the computing world, as I, too, was a one-man band who cleaned his own photocopier - with the language often being the same - and was in every other aspect a jack-of-all-trades, as well as the master of a diverse range of computer accounting software (as well as writing my own) and computer hardware. Being a one-stop shop was my major selling point.

 

 

I even was a certified installer of NOVELL and LANTASTIC networking software. To this day I wonder why I didn't get myself certified full-stop, because, determined as I was to remain a one-man-band, I never achieved the economies of scale to fully utilise all that knowledge.

However, the constant challenge and variety of work kept me in one place for a record fifteen years. I don't think I would've lasted fifteen months in a 9-to-5 job. And the earnings, although unpredictable, always averaged out to a good salary, and without having to brown-nose an unappreciative boss.

 

 

When you're young, you have dreams; when you're old, you have memories. Although I never bought myself a new photocopier and was never seen on television, I can honestly say, "Thanks for the memories, Canberra Computer Accounting Systems !

 


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Thursday, August 6, 2026

On this day 61 years ago ...

... I disembarked in Melbourne and embarked on a new life in a new country. And what a life it has been!

 

The 6th of August is an important day for me. It was on this day in 1965, sixty-one years ago, when I arrived in Australia. My decision to leave the "Fatherland" was made as hastily and as much on the spur of the moment as every other decision I have made before and since. Avoiding eighteen months of military service had something to do with it. Escaping what was shaping up to become a fairly mundane and ordinary life was another.

Two years earlier I had successfully completed my articles with an insurance company and made my first escape of sorts: I had joined the large highway construction company Sager & Woerner (SAWOE) as their payroll clerk. There were three of us in the office: the two "Schwaben" Dietl and Spoerl (always properly addressed as "Herren") and myself, not yet eighteen years old but learning fast. Our mobile office followed every few months the "Autobahn" under construction from Walsrode to Verden-an-der-Aller to Bremen. Already, although not yet articulated, "Have pen, will travel" had become the motto of my life.

It was the 30th of June 1965 when I boarded the Italian passenger ship FLAVIA in Bremerhaven. The Australian immigration department had offered me an airline ticket to get to the other side of the world, but as I had had to sell my beloved stamp collection to raise the required £50 for the assisted passage out, I thought it only fair that I ought to get my money's worth and take the six-week sea voyage via Tilbury, Curaço, the Panama Canal, Papeete, and Auckland, to Australia.

I was told, "If you want a pleasant voyage don't travel from Europe on a migrant ship." I am glad I did not follow the advice. The boat was crowded but it was good to be among people who were good to each other because they were sharing a common adventure, the greatest they had known. We were all looking forward to living in a country where there was space, and room to grow, and where hard work was rewarded. There were no streamers at Bremerhaven, and no band was playing: people stood quietly on the rain-moist deck as the last visitors were ordered ashore. Then the slow, sonorous, terrible blast on the ship's siren; suddenly a gap had opened between ship and land: we were on our way; there was no going back!

In the bowels of the ship order emerged from disorder. We were accommodated in 6-berth cabins on the lowest deck, Trinidad Deck, with no portholes and only shared facilities. As we headed south and out into the Atlantic. the warming sun spread animation among the passengers now settled into a daily routine, punctured by ample meals.

English classes got under way properly where we were asked to form a credible "th" sound and to differentiate the "v" from the "w". Learning English was no game for us: our whole future depended on it. And it was made easier by an ingenious but now all-but-forgotten method called Basic English, invented by the English linguist Charles Kay Ogden, who had distilled the English language to a system of 850 words that covered everything necessary for day-to-day purposes.

The shipboard cinema showed Australian documentary films which we watched with intense concentration. There were the usual shipboard diversions: deck games and the pool (always too crowded and always too low on water) during the day and music and dances and fancy dress balls and bingo in the evenings but overarching all these activities was the one question that was on all our minds: what would await us in Australia? We used to sit up in our six-berth cabin long into the night worrying and wondering about it.

I will always remember one of my cabin-mates, a young butcher from Berlin, who was constantly dressed in a fishnet-shirt (to solve his laundry problem, as he put it, and which left an interesting tanning pattern on his upper torso). Nothing seemed to bother him much; not our uncertain future nor the English lessons which he had dispensed with in favour of the bar. As far as he was concerned, if things didn't work out he could always commit suicide! An interesting outlook on life, to say the least, and the solving of one's problems. I have sometimes wondered how he ended up?

Both then and now, the whole voyage has been a bit of a blurr: we passed through the Panama Canal, and made a brief refuelling stop at Papeete, after which we headed towards Auckland, New Zealand. With no money in my pockets and so much at stake, this was no pleasure trip! Sometime during the voyage and under circumstances which I have long forgotten, I had made friends with a young German who had come out to Australia many years before with his parents as a child. He was now married and on his way back from a trip to Europe with his wife, baby, and mother-in-law with whom he had revisited his own hometown and that of his Yugoslav wife. This friendship was going to have a major impact on my future life in Australia (of which I shall tell more momentarily), and to this day Hans and I have remained good friends.

Soon, but to us not soon enough, after more than five weeks at sea, the outline of the Australian coast and of the city of Sydney hove into sight. There they were, those famous golden beaches of which had spoken the brochures that the immigration department had given us. Here many passengers left us, as did Hans who was heading for his hometown Canberra, but for us, the migrants, the "New Australians" as we were henceforth to be known, the voyage continued for another two days to the port of Melbourne.

We disembarked in some sort of organised chaos at Port Melbourne and soon afterwards boarded a train for the inland town of Albury from where we were taken to the Migrant Centre at Bonegilla. Remember the movie "The Great Escape"? Well, Bonegilla was a camp along the lines of what you saw in that movie - except that Bonegilla was a darn sight worse. We were put into corrugated-iron huts in what had been an old Army Camp - and I believe the old Spartans enjoyed more comforts than did the inmates of the "Bonegilla Migrant Centre". Although we were in the depth of the Australian winter (which can be pretty cold in the Australian inland), there was no heating, and only a threadbare ex-Army blanket to ward off the cold at night. For somebody who had just avoided conscription into the German "Bundeswehr", it seemed a poor exchange.

Deep blue skies and brilliant sunshine during the day made up for the freezing nights. It was two days after I had arrived in camp and while I was "thawing" out in the midday sun when another German who had come off the ship with me, told me about a "German Lady", a Mrs Haermeyer, at the camp's reception centre who was offering to take three or four recently arrived German migrants back to Melbourne to board at her house. I had been "processed" by the camp's administration on the first day and knew that in all likelihood I was destined to be sent to Sydney to work as labourer for the Sydney Water Board. So what did I have to lose? In record time I had myself signed out by the "Camp Commandant", my few things packed, and was sitting, with three other former ship-mates, in a VW Beetle enroute back to Melbourne.

The "German Lady" had turned out to be a very enterprising roly-poly German housewife who with her German husband, a bricklayer, operated something of a boarding-house from their quaint little place at 456 Brunswick Road in West Brunswick in Melbourne. The place seemed already full to overflowing with young Germans from a previous intake, with bodies occupying the lounge-room sofa, a make-shift annex, and an egg-shaped plywood caravan in the backyard. My ship-mates joined that happy crowd but I was "farmed out" to a nice English lady across the road who had a spare room. The very next day the "German Lady" took me to the local Labour Exchange and in seemingly no time had secured me a job as 'Trainee Manager' with Coles & Company which had foodstores all over Melbourne. There I was, refilling shelves with groceries whose names I did not know, and had I known them would not have been able to pronounce, and helping blue-rinsed ladies take their boxes full of shopping out to their Austin cars. I still joined the others for breakfast and dinner in the "German house"and also had my laundry looked after by the "German Lady" but I was already making my own way in Australia. Looking back, my life seems to have been full of such serendipitous encounters because more good luck was to follow!

During the first days in Melbourne I had written to Hans in Canberra to let him know where I was, and before long he was on the 'phone to me suggesting that I might want to come up to Canberra. I didn't need much persuading! Hans got me a job as storeman/driver in the hardware & plumbing supplies company of Ingram & Sons in Canberra's industrial suburb of Fyshwick. I drove an INTERNATIONAL truck and delivered anything from ceramic floor tiles to bathtubs and roofing iron to building sites all over Canberra. Not that I had a driver's license for a truck or had ever driven a truck before in my life but this was Australia, a young and vigorous country still largely devoid of formalities, and an even younger city, Canberra, still in the making: Hans simply took me down to the local Police Station where everybody seemed very impressed with my elaborate German "Führerschein" and where I was promptly issued with a much simpler but oh so much more useful Australian driving license. I kept at this job for a few months but after I had almost burnt out the truck's diff at Deakin High School while bogged down in the mud with a full load on the back, and a slight but still embarrassing collision with the rear-end of another vehicle just outside the British High Commission, I thought it best to cash in my chips while I was still ahead.

I had earlier on answered an advertisement by the Australia & New Zealand Bank for school-leavers to join their ranks and, to my own surprise and joy, was accepted. I joined the ANZ Bank and, in keeping with my new "status" as a "Bank Johnny", moved from the migrant hostel on Capital Hill (now the site of the new Parliament House) into Barton House, one of Canberra's many boarding houses in those early years.

Those were the days of portion-controlled boarding-house food of mixed grill, topped off with unlimited supplies of steamed pudding drowned in thick custard to fill an ever-hungry stomach, of soggy spaghetti-sandwiches dripping through brown-paper luncheon bags as I walked to work from Barton to Civic across Commonwealth Bridge to save a bob or two on bus fares. And those were the weekends of parties, of nights spent in the Newsroom of the "Kingo" Pub or at the Burns Club across the road, of evenings in front of the telly in the TV Room watching "M*A*S*H", "Get Smart" or Bob and Dolly's BP Pick-a-Box!

I did a lot of growing-up in those short two years, and gained a lot of experiences that were to shape me for the rest of my life. The people I met, the friends I made! For years after, and in different parts of Australia, I still kept bumping into people who had been at Barton House, who had been chased for outstanding rents by Peter "Frenchie", the manager, and who looked back on their time there with fond memories and a great deal of nostalgia.

Another boarding house I remember was the ORIENTAL PRIVATE HOTEL at 11 Milsons Road at Cremorne Point. In that esteemed establishment I occupied the dark, windowless end of a corridor which had been walled off and grandly called a "room". No window, no ventilation, just a bed and a wardrobe but it was all I could afford at the time. And there were many more boarding houses and many more privations before I had reached even a modicum of personal comfort and financial security.

Well, as the saying goes, " ... and the rest is history." (and what a history it has been!). Today, sixty-one years later, the big WHAT IF questions in life --- (what if Lord Jim had remained on watch? I hope you have been reading your Joseph Conrad) ---, have been replaced by "What's for dinner and what's on the telly tonight?"   Somehow I've got this far! Sometimes it seemed like driving a car at night. I could see only as far as the headlights, I couldn't see where I was going and very little of what I passed along the way, but somehow I managed to make the whole trip all the same.

Not that all those years merely passed me by and can be ignored nor the mistakes undone or the stupidities uncommitted again. And neither can I forget the shames and humiliations, the treacheries and betrayals as well as the prides and accomplishments and brief moments of happiness which I now call experience and which are supposed to be my recompense for the youth and the health and the energy left behind as I bounced through life, spending more time on planning my next weekend than on how I might spend the rest of my life.

Perhaps I have lived two lives, the one I actually live, and a parallel life that walks around with me like a cast shadow and lies down with me as I go to sleep. It is the life I might have lived had I made different choices in that time when time and choices were still plentiful. I hope I can all sum it up as Edith Piaf did with her song, 'Non, je ne regrette rien' .


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P.S.

Some six years after my arrival, on the 9th of December 1971, I appeared before Reserve Magistrate David Bruce Moorhouse at Arawa on Bougainville Island in the then Territory of Papua New Guinea, to swear allegiance to Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth the Second, her heirs and successors, and to observe faithfully the laws of Australia and fulfil my duties as an Australian citizen.

And today, fifty-five years later, after having paid many hundreds of thousands of dollars in income tax to the Australian Government, having incurred no more than a few speeding fines and parking infringement notices against my name, and never having asked for a single cent in Government assistance and even now in retirement living off my own investments and savings, I like to think that I have kept my end of the bargain and that the Australian Government got themselves a good deal in 1965 when they paid my fare out to this wonderful country.

I am proud to call myself an Australian and to call Australia my home, and to do so not through some accident of birth but because of my own deliberate decision and years of hard work!