What saved me is the idea of suicide
Without the idea of suicide I would have surely killed myself
What allowed me to keep on living was knowing I had this option always in sight
But really, without it I could have never endured life
The impression of being stuck down here
For me the idea of suicide is linked with the idea of freedom
I realise that in life, very few people have understood, even really great writers haven't understood anything
People with talent, but who are worth nothing
You can meet someone just like that in the street or in a bistro, it's a revelation
It's someone who has gone in-depth, who has tackled the great problem
Emil Cioran was a suicidal misanthropic insomniacal nihilistic philosopher who lived to be 84 – there's still hope for the rest of us!
As a failed optimist, I can't believe I had never heard of Emil Cioran, a Romanian philosopher, aphorist and essayist, who out-Nietzsche-d Nietzsche and out-Schopenhauer-ed Schopenhauer when it comes to taking a philosophical cyanide pill (I just typed "cyanide" into Google to check my spelling, and it came up with "Help is available / Speak with someone today / Lifeline Australia / Hours: Available 24 hours / Call 13 11 14". Thanks, Google!)
Both the above video clip and Google's warning remind me of a young butcher from Berlin aboard the migrant ship in 1965, who neither shared our apprehension about the uncertain future awaiting us nor our English language lessons which he dispensed with in favour of the bar. As far as he was concerned, if things didn't work out he could always commit suicide! An interesting outlook on life, to say the least, and the solving of one's problems, and I have sometimes wondered how he ended up.
Despite all the punishment I took for having lived to an old age, I am still very much alive, which is what the "Deutsche Rentenversicherung" asked me to confirm in this morning's mail if I want to keep receiving my monthly pension of €123.48. Unlike the Australian pension - which I'm NOT entitled to! - which is a generous ±$30,000 a year regardless of how much income tax one has paid, the German system only pays me back what I paid in (plus interest), and my contributions during my measly-paid articled years were next to nothing, so I also get a next-to-nothing pension. Still, last time I looked, €123.48 was around AUS$220 which may be just enough to cover this month's very high electricity bill.
Anyway, I'm off to the Bay to have my "proof of life" signed and sealed in the local court house before I deliver it into the hands of Australia Post, after which I come home again and really get stuck into this Emil Cioran chap who also said, "“It is not worth the bother of killing yourself, since you always kill yourself too late." Oh, and before I forget to mention it, I did release last night's possum at the crack of dawn near the Nelligen Cemetery which, given the above subject, seemed quite appropriate.
