A man who fell asleep during Pope Francis’s funeral was "already going to Hell anyway", God clarified on Sunday. Although snoozing off during the pontiff’s funeral was "beyond rude", the Almighty said that the man clinched his place in the netherworld "decades ago".
"If I hadn’t already made up My mind, the last hundred days would have made him a slam dunk for eternal damnation", He said. The Heavenly Father added that the man's decision to wear a blue suit at the funeral "wasn’t a factor" in his going to Hell, but was nevertheless "incredibly assholic", unless he'd fallen on hard times and filed for bankruptcy again - the twelfth time? - and this was the only suit he'd been left with.
