An ocker voice on the phone, G'day, mate. Youse still selling the place? Emma chisit?" Almost told him I didn't know her, put you can't judge a caller by his voice, can you - or can you? "Somewhere north of three million", I said. "Too much, mate" was his answer, and hung up.
Ten minutes later a text message, "$2.3 cash sale if you have a change of heart, thanks." I texted back, "No change of heart as my heart is not foolish; however, if you're serious, raising a million dollars in finance with $2.3million in cash would be a walk in the park (ahem! Bank)."
Quick as a flash, "We could do $2.7m cash. We don't like loans, sorry. Not to be rude but the house is very dated and needs a lot of work. I think 1.7m suffices the land etc." (Our land valuation is $2,637,000!)
Which called for a longer reply, "You are not being rude, and you would be stupid to pay above market just as I would be stupid to sell below it. Trouble is there isn't much of a market to compare to in the case of a property in as unique a location as this, so we are both left to our own assessment and imagination. I have already rejected a previous $2.9 million offer and never regretted it. No need to be polite and say the house is dated. It's bloddy old!!! (but it was built like a tank in the 60s). It would be foolish to pull it down, which is what I told the chap who offered $2.9 million million for the land alone. $1,750,000 for the one up the lane at 5 Sproxtons Lane (another inspection this Saturday) would still leave you with some money in your pocket to upgrade it as it is a very ordinary house and what you are paying for is its location. Thanks again for your interest. P.S. If you are REALLY interested, I could offer vendor's finance of $600,000 on top of your $2.7 million cash."
"So what is the actual figure you are wanting?" $2.7 million cash plus $600,000 vendor's finance is what? Come on, switch on your calculator!
"Will never sell north of $3 million", texted me this expert, and "Happy to sit at $2.9 million if your mind turns but won't move from that. Nice location but lots of money to spend." And then there were a couple of more texted messages, which I replied with, "We could go on and on, but please let's not. Thank you for your interest, and good luck with your househunting", to which he replied with a conciliatory "All good mate thanks for your time if anything changes you have my contact."
He sounded like the chap who, once you'd locked onto his price, would find more and more faults with the property to screw you down more and more, and then drop you altogether. Better I dropped him first.
It's a bit late in life, but I'm slowly learning how to ride a unicycle.
