It wasn't in his "Seven Pillars of Wisdom" but elsewhere that I read that Lawrence of Arabia - who was killed in a motorcycle accident at the age of 46 - was in the habit of riding his motorcycle at an excessive speed with the notion that an accident would end his life while he was still in full possession of his powers and so spare him the indignity of old age.
If this is true it shows a great weakness in that strange but otherwise amazing character, because a complete life includes old age as well as youth and maturity. I seem to have skipped maturity, but I make up for it now by enjoying my old age which has its own pleasures, which, although different, are no less than the pleasures of youth. Reflecting on my past as I sit in peaceful "Melbourne" is one of those pleasures.
For most of my life I was assailled by so many impressions, saw so many things, and met so many people, that I had no time to reflect. The very moment I lived was so absorbent that I had no notion for introspection.
In youth the years stretch out so long that it is hard to imagine they will ever pass. Even in middle age, with ever-increasing life expectancy, death is still something remote. I have never kept a diary, but as friends and acquaintances begin to disappear and I can no longer share those memories with them, I wish I had done so, to better reflect on those busy years now, to see for myself more distinctly what they were really all about, and in so doing get some sort of coherence into my life, because if my life lacked anything, anything at all, it was coherence.
Reflecting on my life must seem egotistic but to me I am the most important person in the world despite the fact that, from the standpoint of common sense, my life has been of no consequence whatsoever, and it would have made no difference to the universe if I had never existed.
Not that I anticipate to cease to exist, as they say these days, "anytime soon" (and how I hate this phrase!) I keep posting these reflections the same way as I made my will after which I did not die immediately. That was many years ago, and I did it as a precaution, just as these reflections are meant to make sense of my life, so that I can afford to look the rest of it in the eye without too much concern about the past.
For far too long I have always lived in the future that now, even though the future is so short, I cannot get rid of the habit. This habit has been so strong that it may even outlive me, but for this short moment I live in the moment and enjoy my view of the world from inside "Melbourne", wishing that this moment may last forever, إن شاء الله .
