May the New Year bring you the courage to break your resolutions early!

 

I can't believe it's been a whole year since I didn't become a better person. And so another year has come to an end to take away all the pain, all the disappointments and all the mistakes to give us a new start on old habits.

The 1st of January is a stirring testament to the human capacity for hope and optimism, not to mention the self-delusion that a totally arbitrary date could be the new start to a better future.

Even so, a whole 365 days is a long wait and in the past I would move from job to job and country to country, sometimes several times in the same year, to give myself a new start and altogether fifty-five new blank slates and fifty-five new chances to do it right next time. This self-delusory attempt at renewal seldom worked but it certainly made for an interesting life.

The German word for 'real estate' is 'Immobilien' and now that I'm 'immobile' here on my real estate at Riverbend, I have to fall back on the 1st of January to reflect on the past and make plans for what's left of the future.

The always quotable Oscar Wilde wrote, "Good resolutions are simply cheques that men draw on a bank where they have no account", and I intend on staying the same awkward, sarcastic, foul-mouthed delight you've all come to know and love. As for the New Year, don't be a pessimist who says it can't get worse. Be an optimist and say it can.

So, while I may "do a Mr Bean" and go to bed early, I wish you all the best for the New Year and may your right hand always be stretched out in friendship, but never in want.

Replies (so far :-)

• You did become a better person; you had the fortitude to continue to talk to me ☺
• A bright way to start the morning, thanks. Also for your humour and philosophy (albeit cynical from time to time), all of which kept the spirits stirred in the best possible way.
• I too will be in bed early so I don’t have to witness zillions of dollars worth of fireworks going up in smoke. Oh, and I don’t make resolutions.
• I assume you are working on your New Year Resolutions but pardon this interruption to wish you a new year of fulfilling your dream of finding a buyer for Riverbend and keeping good health as you continue to manage your daily rituals!!! Anyhow mate you have educated and entertained me with your blogs and I also stretch out my hand across the seas in friendship for the coming year.   (Is there no comma-key on your computer, Des? :-)
• Get a dingo up ya!
• Thanks for your great blogs; I do enjoy reading them. Maybe you could combine them in a book of short stories.

 

You want to build your own "Pizza Hut", Troy, do you?

Click on each image for greater detail

 

Well, I let you copy my patented German design provided you don't tell anyone else, okay? Here are the measurements:

The "foot print" of the structure is roughly 3x3 metres (but the roof overhang is another 750mm on each side, and 1050mm at the corners) and the height of the four corner posts is 2500mm above ground.

The four corner posts must form a perfect square as the roofing iron will be supplied on that basis, with the diagonal offcut from the sheet on one side becoming part of the roof covering on the opposite side. To measure out a perfect square, ask Pythagoras for help - click here.

The corner posts are "tied" together by four 3-metre-long 140x45mm timbers. Note the four corner stabilisers! At the exact centre, connect two sides with 90x45mm timbers, 'laminated' three thick, to form the basis for the 90x90mm roof support. The height of the roof support determines the pitch of the roof; this particular support is 700mm high.

Joined at the top of the roof support are eight lengths of 90x45mm timbers; four from the four corners, and another four from the centre of each side. By the laws of geometry, the corner lengths are longer than the centre ones but none are longer than 3 metres. The exact length is determined by the desired overhang and trimmed to size in situ.

The structure is further stabilised by 90x45mm cross beams which also serve as additional fastening points for the roofing iron.

And that's about it, except for the roofing iron itself which is the most expensive part of the job (other than the exorbitant labour charges ☺)

And there you have it: your very own "Pizza Hut" sans the pizza and sans the river. There is no charge for using this original German design but I expect to be invited to the 'hut-warming'.

Googlemap Riverbend

 

Taking the plunge

 

With the last Cadbury Marshmellow Santa safely tucked below my belt and the hot cross Easter buns already on sale at Woolies and Coles, it can be safely assumed that the madness of Christ-"mess" is behind us.

I had to temporarily remove the razor wire from the gate as some people had rung up to say they'd grace us with their presence. Other than that, my 24th Christmas at "Riverbend" - The horror! The horror! -, was quiet and uneventful.

Which leaves the Grand Finale of the holiday season when we plunge headlong into another year. Or not, as I might just "do a Mr Bean".

Googlemap Riverbend

 

Today's unspirational thought:

 

 

Dear Parents

Dear Parents

• We would like to remind you that such magic words as 'Hello', 'Please', 'You're welcome', 'Excuse me' and 'Thank you' are first learnt at home.
• It's also at home that children learn to be honest, punctual and hard-working, and to have empathy with friends and respect for teachers.
• It's at home where they learn to stay clean, not to speak with their mouths full, and how to dispose of rubbish.
• At home they learn to behave properly, to take care of their things, and not to assault other people.
• Here at school, on the other hand, we instruct them in language, mathematics, history, geography, physics, science, and sport. We only reinforce the education the parents give them at home.

 

This poster was first published by a school in Portugal and has since spread all over Europe - see here. I think it should be given to every parent and hung on every classroom wall in Australia.

 

www.tiny.cc/riverbendmap

 

Merry Christmas

With the advent of World War I, Europe is thrown into a brutal and vicious chaos as men are forced to kill or be killed. While blood soaks the battlefield as Christmas approaches, the men in the trenches of the Western Front face a transformation, however fleeting, toward peace and goodwill. Against all odds, four unlikely individuals from opposing sides bond during this bloodless respite to experience the hope and goodness in humanity.

 

Joyeux Noël (English: Merry Christmas) is a 2005 French film about the World War I Christmas truce of December 1914, depicted through the eyes of French, Scottish and German soldiers.

It is a fictionalized account of an actual event that took place in December 1914 when Wilhelm, German Crown Prince, sent the lead singer of the Berlin Imperial Opera company on a solo visit to the front line. Singing by the tenor, Walter Kirchhoff, to the 120th and 124th Württemberg regiments led French soldiers in their trenches to stand up and applaud.

The unofficial truce begins when the Scots begin to sing festive songs and songs from home, accompanied by bagpipes. Sprink and Sørensen arrive in the German front-line and Sprink sings for his comrades. As Sprink sings "Silent Night" he is accompanied by a piper in the Scottish front-line. Sprink responds to the piper and exits his trench with a small Christmas tree singing "Adeste Fideles". Following Sprink's lead the French, German, and Scottish officers meet in no-man's-land and agree on a cease-fire for the evening. The various soldiers meet and wish each other "Joyeux Noël", "Frohe Weihnachten", and "Merry Christmas". They exchange chocolate, champagne, and photographs of loved ones.

A rare moment of sanity in an insane war.

 

Festivus for the rest of us

 

I have a confession to make: I had never watched a single episode of Seinfeld! Indeed, until recently I didn't even know what or who Seinfeld was and certainly had never heard of the Seinlanguage.

Retirement has allowed me to plug many holes in my 'education', and I've since learnt - but not learnt to love - about Seinfeld and Festivus, a secular holiday celebrated on December 23 as an alternative to the pressures and commercialism of the Christmas season.

If you find tinsel distracting, watch this episode but don't air your grievances with me.

www.tiny.cc/riverbendmap

 

Can you say "LGGBDTTTIQQAAPP"?

 

Are you familiar with current language? Are you sensitive to current issues? Do you want to suck up to all the weirdos? Learn a new acronym: "LGGBDTTTIQQAAPP" What does this alphabet soup mean? Have you got your spoons ready?

L — Lesbian. Everyone knows what this is, right?

G — Gay. I'm sure I don't need to explain this to you smarties!

G — Genderqueer. Now this one is new. So let's make sure we all understand what this means. "Genderqueer" is a person who does not subscribe to conventional gender distinctions but identifies with neither, both, or a combination of male and female genders." That's easy, isn't it, kids? Basically, it's a person that's neither Arthur nor Martha.

B — Bisexual. Self-explanatory, isn't it? It's derived from bicycle which means you can go anywhere.

D - Demisexual. Another new one! Let's get out the ever-expanding queer dictionary to figure it out! "A demisexual is a person who does not experience sexual attraction unless they form a strong emotional connection with someone." This used to be known as monogamous love. But now we throw the word "sexual" on it to make it attractive to the kids. Got it?

T — Transgender. You all know all about this one! These are boys or girls who dress up like the opposite sex and want everyone to pretend not to notice!

T — Transexual. You are familiar with these people too! Same as above, only they've gone through irreversible surgery to remove healthy body parts. Let them in your bathroom. Everything is fine.

T — Two-Spirit. Oh my goodness! How exciting! It's another category no one on earth has ever heard of! This one is complicated. For sure you have to be a Native American. And smoking a lot of peyotes could only help to understand what the heck a two-spirit is. It appears to be a third gender not yet discovered by science and only found in the Native American community by gender studies majors who take adventure vacations and hang out in sweat lodges.

I — Intersex. This is that very rare condition that we used to call hermaphrodite, where a child is born with both sex organs of male and female. It is very rare and hardly ever happens. It is a birth defect. (Aren't they all?)

Q — Queer. Just when you thought you couldn't use the word "queer" because it's an insult, think again! It's back! Queer is an umbrella term designed to describe all people who aren't normies. I think. It's hard to tell. These things do change on an almost daily basis.

Q — Questioning is a term used for people who are still deciding where they are going to fall on this list. It seems contradictory to the "born that way" theory to have a bunch of people still questioning their sexuality but the LGBTQWTF brigade says it's fine, so rest assured, there's nothing to question about questioning.

A — Asexual people have no interest in sex. This also used to be known as people who are married with kids. See the classic TV show "Married with Children" for an example.

A — Allies are people who are constantly supporting their LGBTQWTF friends and family. These people aren't gay, queer, or even questioning! They're simply shielding themselves from the gaystapo squads who come around looking for people who aren't properly broadcasting their approval of the queer agenda. Be an ally, if you know what's good for you!

P — Pansexual is just a more confusing way to say bisexual. There really is no difference, only we pretend there is so we can use a word that reminds us of Greek mythology and it sounds more interesting than bisexual, which is so last decade.

P — Polyamorous people are basically leftover hippies who miss their communes. Or hardcore Mormons. Either way, they are people who like to have more than one partner, sometimes at the same time.

Any questions? (but not as in 'questioning')

www.tiny.cc/riverbendmap

 

Today's unspirational thought:

 

 

No room at the inn

 

Right on cue, there's no room at the inn: the previously identified single female possum, complete with its young one still hidden in her pouch, still occupies the penthouse on the power pole, while the newcomer of yet unknown gender has moved into the penthouse under the tree.

If he turns out to be male and joins the single female, we can turn the whole thing into the nativity story just in time for Christmas. I'm a bit short on gold, frankincense and myrrh, but I can offer lots of bananas, pears and apples. Let's hope they give me a good review on Tripadvisor.

www.tiny.cc/riverbendmap

 

"If you live to be a 100, I want to live to be a 100 minus one day so I never have to live without you"

 

It's the time of heart-warming stories and Padma has gone to the movies to watch "Goodbye Christopher Robin" with a lady-friend from the Lantern Club. Christopher Robin is the son of Alan Alexander Milne who wrote Winnie-the-Pooh, and "Goodbye, Christopher Robin" is one of the last lines spoken by Pooh. But there are many more:

“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.” I can relate to that!

“What day is it?" "It's today", squeaked Piglet. "My favorite day", said Pooh. I can relate to that, too!

“It is more fun to talk with someone who doesn't use long, difficult words but rather short, easy words like 'What about lunch?'" I can relate to that one as well, especially around lunchtime!

“He said it twice because he had never said it before, and it sounded funny.” I do that all the time, too!

“Rivers know this: there is no hurry. We shall get there some day.” I wished I'd known that a long time ago!

Anyway, there is no hurry to see the movie. I'll get the DVD some day.

www.tiny.cc/riverbendmap

 

Riverbend's "Pizza Hut"

 

We're all set for a long hot summer! And there's no better way to spend it than by sitting in the shade of the newly-built "Pizza Hut" while enjoying the views and the cooling winds off the river.

 

 

And, yes, a pizza and a cold drink is part of the service!  ☺

 

www.tiny.cc/riverbendmap

 

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times

Company Memo FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: November 1, 2017 RE: Gala Christmas Party I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 22rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time! Merry Christmas to you and your family, Patty

Company Memo FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: November 2, 2017 RE: Gala Holiday Party In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment. Happy now? Happy Holidays to you and your family, Patty

Company Memo FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: November 3, 2017 RE: Holiday Party Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name... I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody? And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy. REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED. Patty

Company Memo FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director To: All Employees DATE: November 4, 2017 RE: Generic Holiday Party What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry. We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food . The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first. There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!? Patty

Company Memo FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All F*%^ing Employees DATE: November 5, 2017 RE: The Frigging Holiday Party I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your frigging salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW! The rest of you perishing weirdos can kiss my ass. I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, The Bitch from Hell!!!

Company Memo FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director DATE: November 6, 2017 RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her recent nervous breakdown and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the Hospital. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 22nd off with full pay. Happy Whatever! Joan

 

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of light, it was the season of darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair."

www.tiny.cc/riverbendmap

 

Merry Chris oops! Season's Greetings

 

You know how it is these days: you can dump on anything mainstream but leave out or offend anyone or anything deviant or in the minority (or both), and you're in deep, deep schtook, you misguided white heterosexual bastard!

So, in the spirit of political correctness gone completely mad, here are my totally inclusive and totally politically correct Season's Greetings!

www.tiny.cc/riverbendmap

 

Watch your back, Frank!

You're a moving target now, Frank, following your recent Christmas card! ☺

 

I promised to tell you all about "doing a Joslin" which entered the English vocabulary sometime in 1971 when I lived and worked on tropical and often rain-soaked and muddy Bougainville Island in the then Territory of Papua & New Guinea.

Our small team of intrepid auditors and cost engineers were exposed daily to the risk of impaling ourselves on lethally sharpened pencils while overeating on strawberry shortbread biscuits as we tried to keep the world's largest construction project within its $300-million budget.

I was senior auditor in charge of several large contracts on the Bougain-ville Copper Project, such as the construction by Hornibrook of the port facilities at Loloho, World Services' power house construction, the Arawa Township built by Morobe-ANG, Brambles-Kennellys' haulage services, and the concrete production at Pioneer Concrete's batch plant.

 

 

Unlike some who found this work dull and repetitive and in the process became dull and repetitive themselves, I treated it as a game of chess. The contracts spelt out the rules but the moves were never the same. Written by engineers who knew everything about building a ship loader or power house but little about how this might translate into billable dollars and cents, it left the contractor's accountant pitted against the auditor to interpret contractual clauses in sometimes unexpected ways.

Not all members of the audit team were as forensic in their work or as delighted with working ten hours a day six days a week. Some started counting the days to the end of their twelve-month contract by running up adding-machine strip lists from 365 days down to zero which they pasted to their office walls, crossing off one number each morning.

Others simply went through the motion by 'sitting' on their contract claims just long enough to make it appear as if they had done all the checking before signing them off for payment with a boozey florish. Needless to say, not many survived that kind of mental torture.

 

No idea why he wanted to leave so soon as he certainly enjoyed all the free beer.
Frank Joslin with back to camera on far left; yours truly on far right;
sitting on table behind me and smirking is the 'Sunshine Kid'

 

Enter Frank Joslin, the latest and "star" addition to the team on account of being the only chartered accountant, but it soon became apparent that Frank was more interested in chartered planes than in chartered accounting because when he was given the monthly "perk" of hand-carrying a batch of computer punch cards to Bechtel's Melbourne office, he was gone and never seen again.

His dirty deed became known as "doing a Joslin" and was much talked about but never copied. I haven't checked the 'Gum Leaf Dictionary' aka Macquarie Dictionary but wouldn't be surprised if the phrase weren't in common usage today. Take a bow, Frank (but watch your back!)

www.tiny.cc/riverbendmap

 

"It's the thought that counts!" no longer works

 

Not with friends like mine, one of whom just sent me the above Christmas card which continues on the inside with, ".. and you're getting clothes and a Bible for Christmas!" which anyone who's seen my pictures on facebook will agree is justified.

(I make this a new paragraph to let you check out the photos on my facebook page first)

What got me into trouble was the note he'd written on the envelope:

Here's a close-up:

He was, of course, referring to my blog about old German customs - click here - which the postman must've read as well because he's just been here and I'm minus a bottle of bubbly, the last one I had stored away for Christmas which will now be a very dry one.

Thanks for nothing, Frank, you bastard! Keep watching your back because I'll get even with you! ☺

www.tiny.cc/riverbendmap