After having been through over 50 jobs in a dozen-or-more countries, I'm often asked how I did it. Well, embellishing my 'curriculum vitae' (Latin for "course of life") certainly helped.
Having (out-)lived all my financial fantasies, I am happy to share with my friends who are still hard at it this useful translator:
The CV Translator
| REALITY | CV |
|---|---|
| Turned up day after day after ruddy day! | Loyal. Self-motivated. |
| Took as many sickies as could get away with (but not as many as that job-shy Deb in Credit Control – you wouldn’t believe how many she takes !) and worked not a minute more than contractual hours. No way. | Ruthless in maintaining a healthy work-life balance |
| Removed cellophane and put latest accounting magazine in for recycling | Quickly assimilates information. Effective decision maker. Strong green credentials. |
| Lifted head and grunted ‘alright ?’ to co-workers when asked ‘alright ?’ Occasionally varied response to ‘Not too bad’ or ‘Could be worse’ | Highly developed inter-personal and communication skills. Displays a positive attitude. |
| Able to rally a posse of negative whingers whenever the need arises – especially if it's to talk about ‘improvements’. Quick to volunteer the opinion that whatever it is it won't work. | Effective leadership and motivational skills. Able to quickly assess key issues. |
| Sat at a pod of desks – following yet another reorganization - and took 6 months to find out names of the other 3 co-workers. | Pro-active team player |
| Looked for any excuse to go off for a wander. Disappeared for hours on end. | Well networked. Outgoing. Prefers face-to-face meetings and prepared to put the time in accordingly. |
| Found a dodgy screen saver recommended by a mate. Irritated colleagues with the latest really naff and crass ring-tones. | Advanced IT skills. Embraces new technology |
| Managed 4 parallel endless e-mail conversations with mates: Rich in Accounts, Maggie in Marketing, Debbie – the fit one at a major customer you met last year - and that new bloke in HR – Kev - who seems a bit of a laugh. Once got Rich to burn you a copy of the latest Matrix DVD. | Adept at multi-tasking. Communicates effectively at all levels. Customer focussed. Gets the best out of colleagues. |
| Sat in the corner in those pointless team ‘events’ occasionally muttering the same old negative, but not quite decipherable, remark | Skilled and active participant in peer group meetings. |
| Permanent visitor to BBC Sport website, especially the footie tables | Prides himself on keeping up to date. |
| Always the first in the queue for lunch because your best mate's other half works in the kitchen and texts you. Wicked! | Effective time manager. Well-networked. |
| Communicates anything contentious by e-mail. Presses ‘Send’ at 17:01 and is out of the office before either the little bombshell reaches its destination or the office doors have stopped swinging – like those of a two-bit saloon in some crazy one-horse town out West. | Puts in the hours. Keeps superiors informed of major issues. |
| Begrudgingly helped move a stapler, hole punch and wastepaper bin from your old desk to your new following the floor-plan redesign to fit in Sally who’s moved down from Credit Control. | Key player in major reorganisation |
| Stuffs chaotic wads of paper into bottom drawer at end of the day to reluctantly adhere to the clean desk policy the existence of which is, in your opinion, just more proof that the company is doomed | Methodical and well-organised. Embraces change. |
| Told line manager in no uncertain terms what he could do with the data for his urgent report. Then ended up fudging it, again. (You're not missing the footie for nobody. No way.) | Assertive. Prioritises and routinely meets deadlines. Delivers under pressure. |
| Accumulated vast reserves of stationery – especially those more ‘quality’ items - with a back-up maintained at home just in case | Resourceful. Effective planner. |
| Reluctantly agreed to go on a few training courses – after pestering boss for ages that you never seem to get any training -as part of the annual PDP. After all, it's a chance to wangle a few days out of the office….. | Looks to self-develop at every opportunity |
| Always ready and willing to help peers and superiors, 'but am a bit in the thick of it at present and will endeavour to look at it next week but more likely the week after – you know what it’s like!' | Provides a ‘world-class’ service to customers |
| Unceasingly able to stretch out the task at hand to fill the week | Effective planner. Well-organised |
| Too busy to wash up mugs and tidy office kitchen area despite huge notice (in bold AND underlined) from the female members of the section requesting such | Effective delegator. Always ensures works at the right level |
| Gets absolutely bladdered Friday night without fail. Most important date in the diary | Disciplined in maintaining a healthy work-life balance |
| First to moan to boss when Tim was promoted to Assistant Management Accountant without what seemed a fair and open process. Threatened to ‘take it all the way’– just like Julie did in Customer Services - if didn’t get above-average pay increment | Assertive. Keeps technically up to date. Starter finisher. |
| Provided the lead by writing the initial witty comment or smutty inuendo in leaving cards | Popular. Good sense of humour. Provides leadership and guidance to subordinates, peers and - on occasions - superiors |
| Charges - and collects - interest on money lent to colleagues for lunch | Commercially astute |
Finally, be professionally dressed for the job interview:
