National terror alert levels

 

The world is still trying to agree on terror alert levels common to all countries. So far, alert levels are still determined on a nation-by-nation basis:

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A bit cross". The English have not been "A bit cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A bloody nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender". The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white-flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate military posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective combat operations" and "Change sides".

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in uniform and sing marching songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a neighbour" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.

Have a good weekend! And be alert but not alarmed!

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You want to be quick to watch this movie

For full enjoyment, click on 'Full Screen'

 

They haven't made a feature movie on the Clyde River yet, so you'll have you make do with "Oyster Farmer" which was filmed on the Hawkesbury north of Sydney. It's very watchable, with a good music score, a good storyline, and breathtakingly beautiful scenery --- well, almost as breathtakingly beautiful as our Clyde.

You don't go to the country to hide. There are cities for that. But Jack Flange seeks respite on the Hawkesbury River where oyster farmers make a living and pile up grievances. Jack embarks on a river journey of self-discovery, hits it off with the high-maintenance "bastard child of a shit collector", and, instead of just passing through, finds home.

You'll find it very watchable but be quick before YouTube removes it.

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Don't always believe what the experts tell you

 

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a bench.

Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment.

He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominately white patriarchal society. "In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experi-enced by gay men in contemporary society."

After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"

"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple.

"Because I am the artist who painted the picture", he replied. "In fact, there are no African-Americans depicted at all. They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch."

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No emails, please! I hate to have to explain my jokes.

 

Life is good at Riverbend

• I am a Seenager. (Senior teenager)
• I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later.
• I don’t have to go to school or work.
• I get an allowance every month.
• I have my own pad.
• I don’t have a curfew.
• I have a driver’s licence and my own car.
• I have ID that gets me into bars and the liquor store.
• The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant.
• And I don’t have acne.

Life is good!

I have more friends I should send this to, but right now I can't remember their names.

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Life's big questions

 

Why do we have earlobes? Why do clocks run 'clockwise'? How does aspirin find a headache? Why is yawning contagious? Why is four usually noted as IIII rather than IV on clocks and watches with Roman numerals?

The problem with op-shopping is that you always find the best bargains at the most inopportune moments; however, during my quick dash into town yesterday I found this fascinating book just after I'd finished David Suzuki's "Naked Ape to Superspecies - A personal perspective on humani-ty and the global eco-crisis" and needed something to lighten up with.

I know I'm loading myself up for a future garage sale but, hey, it's nice to find out that it is a gas by the name of propanethiol S-oxide and not any personal attachment that makes me cry when I hack into an onion.

If your local op-shop doesn't have this book, feel free to email me your life's big question. But keep it clean, please!

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P.S. If you couldn't believe that that's all I walked out with when I left my favourite shop, you were right because I also found "BYPASS - The Story of a Road" about the Hume Highway and "A (Brief) History of Vice - How bad behaviour built civilization".