I visited my friends at Vistaprint and ordered a couple of hundred so-called rack cards, small flyers to put in a box by the gate for passers-by to take away (just one, please! ☺ )
However, we don't just want anybody to come here! Our guests are discerning people of a certain age who appreciate the peace and quiet of "Riverbend" and so I've added the following "Health Warning":
Our TV reception is limited to the ABC, SBS, and WIN (however, you have a choice of hundreds of excellent DVDs - all without commercial breaks!) And there are plenty of books to read (you remember books, don't you? they are like DVDs with pages)
Once here, you may even relax enough not to miss your mobile because, guess what, it won't work here. However, we gladly take your messages on our phone or, if you're the President of the United States or some other important person who is totally indispensable to the running of the world, you can bring along your own laptop and log on to our FREE broadband WiFi.
Our guests from the city always enthuse about the air here. It's fresh and composed mainly of oxygen and nitrogen, unlike what they are used to. They fall asleep almost immediately, their bodies exhausted from the lack of carbon monoxide and lead they have come to depend on.
It is quiet here and very peaceful and you're the only guest. Instead of having to listen to somebody else's snoring or be "entertained" by some ablution noise in the room next door, you may hear the occasional possum wander over your roof at night or be surprised by a little green frog looking at you from under the bathroom door.
All this sensory deprivation may come as a shock to you and we suggest that, as a rough guide, if your chronological (or mental) age is less than 30, you will probably lack the appreciation of being miles away from McDonald's and the sounds of an infernal combustion engine.
To all you others and to those who want to recover their energy and rediscover themselves, please come and stay and stay long, sit quietly, breathe deeply, and listen to the river, to the birds, to YOURSELF!
P.S. My Canadian friend, a man of exceptionally discerning tastes, emailed me: "I believe that you are trying to attract a very rare type of person. Those who are well balanced and comfortable with their own company and can enjoy simply relaxing in silent reflection of their thoughts and experiences are not plentiful and very difficult to convince that your amenities are acceptable. I think perhaps you should hint at the availablility of certain recreational pharmaceuticals as a complimentary perk available to select clientele with discerning tastes. Or you could advertise that you cater exclusively to those who are as gay as a tree full of monkeys on nitrous oxide."
