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Wednesday, January 7, 2015

A Rolls-Royce for the price of a Lexus


It’s easy to be taken in by real estate ads. Whether it’s the “low-maintenance backyard” that turns out to be a concrete slab, the “water views” that can only be seen when you’re standing on the toilet, or the “close proximity to transport” that means the teacups rattle every five minutes when a train goes past, we have all turned up to properties where the reality doesn’t quite live up to the description.

Here are the top 10 euphemisms and what they might really mean:

 1. Low-maintenance backyard – No sign of plant life
 2. Updated kitchen – New knobs on the cupboard doors
 3. Close to transport – Opposite a bus depot
 4. Unique – Weird
 5. Original features – Needed replacing 10 years ago
 6. In the same family for 30 years – They couldn’t sell it last
     time they tried
 7. Cosy – Miniscule
 8. Needs some TLC – Get set to renovate
 9. Renovator’s delight – Wear a hard hat when you visit
10. Buyer says sell – Please, please, someone buy this

And while 'anti-defenestration devices' was easy enough to crack - translation: the windows can be locked - , it took me a while to figure out the 'alfresco car parking' which means you will need to find your own spot in the street.

So how can I tell people that "Riverbend", bigger and "brickier" than all the others and set in parkland larger than all the other waterfront properties COMBINED, and with 'anti-defenestration devices' on all ground floor windows, is the most under-priced property in the lane?

I tell them they can get a Rolls-Royce for the price of a Lexus! - see here.

Click here to go for a test drive but be warned: this website was set up by the vendor himself who knows nothing about creating websites, taking glamorous photos, or selling real estate. All he knows is that his property is so unique and so well-priced that it just about sells itself so why pay someone in a shiny suit with a lary tie tens of thousands of dollars in commission?