The Donald withdrew intelligence sharing from Ukraine. Since then, average IQs have doubled in some parts of the Ukraine. "We’ve seen upsurges across all areas of intellect, including verbal communication, mathematics and science. The average understanding of basic history has also skyrocketed,” one Ukrainian reporter said.
Genius businessman Donald Trump has also begun implementing his plan to reduce inflation. Signing off on tariffs for key trading partners, Trump said the quickest way to bring prices down was to add 25% to the cost of selling them. "If there’s one thing I’ve learned in business, it's that the higher the input costs, the lower the price to the consumer", Trump said. Some supporters are confused. "I thought that reducing inflation meant that my groceries would be cheaper. Obviously, I’ve still got a lot to learn. Praise Trump", one MAGA voter said. Trump boasted, "I have already caused more damage than all other presidents put together."
In an emergency address from the Oval Office yesterday afternoon, Donald J. Trump commanded the American people not to check their 401k accounts. "Anyone caught checking their 409s [sic] can and will be deported", he warned. Asserting that he was issuing this order "for your own good", Trump added, "Elon says there's a virus in the stock market and if you check your stocks it will spread to your body". Though he claimed that "nothing bad is happening on Wall Street", he promised that in the event of a stock market crash, "I will fix it with my Sharpie".
On the positive side of things, Trump's DOGE has just now cancelled a $600,000 grant to Southern University and A&M College. The money was going to fund a study on the menstrual cycles of transgender men.
(I have just learned that PornHub is a Canadian company. I bet if they blocked PornHub in America, this whole trade war would end instantly.)
On the homefront, Australia has lived up to being "a sunburnt country, a land of sweeping plains, of ragged mountain ranges, of droughts and flooding rains", with the Gold Coast and the Northern Rivers of New South Wales receiving an absolute beating. Who wants to live there? Come down to Nelligen and buy "Riverbend", so I can retire in Bali.
Speaking of Bali and Padma's forthcoming trip to Indonesia, I'm proud to announce that, after having completed the first item on my bucket list and getting myself the bucket, I'm now learning where to find all those great specials at ALDI, and how to use a can opener. After twenty-five years of domestic bliss, both the can opener and I have gone a bit rusty.
I could write a lot more but I'm right now receiving instructions on how to boil water, so I won't even bother to check my spelling. Anyway, these days we can all use Autocorrect, for which I am eternally grapefruit.
